As I emerged from a toxic relationship and delved into researching toxic behavioral patterns, my interest in Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was sparked. The more I learned, the more I realized that I had been a victim of narcissistic behavior myself. For me, the most significant figures in understanding this disorder were Professor Sam Vaknin and Dr. Ramani; they articulate this disorder brilliantly, clearly, and profoundly.
We fall in love with the image of ourselves that the narcissist initially reflects back at us. At the outset, the narcissist sees an idealized image of ourselves, takes a screenshot, and projects that ideal image onto us. We fall in love with that idealized image of ourselves. This all happens in the phase of love bombing and future faking. Initially, the narcissist is charming, displaying all the qualities we’ve always wanted to find in a partner; it’s a tactic the narcissist uses to draw us into their world and their game. After that, the devaluation phase begins, and the abuse starts.
What shifted my awareness was the fact that I had to take responsibility for my part in that abuse. Online communities form groups of victims who declare themselves as elevated, angelic beings whom narcissists chose because of their exceptional qualities. This phenomenon is best explained by Professor Sam Vaknin, who emphasizes the importance of victims of narcissists taking responsibility. We need to ask ourselves what it is in us that chose the narcissist and remained in that relationship? The moment we start questioning ourselves and turning inward, the process of self-discovery and confronting the wounded parts of our personality begins. Recovery is not easy, and the journey is filled with ups and downs. Considering that the beginning of the relationship was characterized by love bombing, it creates dependency, and victims stay in the relationship hoping that phase will repeat, but it never does. The only way for the healing process to begin is to go no contact with the narcissist, and if that’s not possible, the technique of grey rocking is used.
As I looked more closely within myself, I began to uncover my own wounds and behavioral patterns, gradually realizing the extent to which I lacked self-love. Exploring the topic of narcissism paved the way for facing myself, questioning the ways I made decisions, and taking ownership of my actions. I realized that I was codependent, struggling with low self-esteem, and someone who didn’t truly love themselves. Codependency develops in early childhood as a mechanism that a child adopts in dysfunctional families. Codependents often take on the role of caretaker or superhero, completely forgetting their own needs. They take on the role of caring for parents who are usually two wounded children and who use the child to regulate their needs and emotions. Later in life, they come to expect their partner to fulfill their needs, believing they are entitled to it due to all they have done for their partner, and often, they exhibit weak boundaries. The development of narcissistic personality disorder typically begins in early childhood as a coping mechanism within dysfunctional family dynamics. Narcissists struggle to individuate from their mothers (know as splitting), resulting in the creation of a false self. Codependent personalities and narcissists often find themselves in relationships because these two behavioral patterns complement each other perfectly in replaying family dynamics from childhood.
We must bring awareness to the unconscious parts of ourselves and confront our inner fears and emotions. We need to move towards our fears and take responsibility only for ourselves and our needs and actions. We cannot fix, change, or control anyone; the only person whose behavior and actions we can influence is ourselves.
