Learn
As children, we learn behavioral patterns and societal norms from our parents and surroundings, internalizing what is deemed acceptable and what is not. Unfortunately, some of these teachings include negative beliefs like feelings of inadequacy, the need to hide emotions, and the expectation to feel shame when expressing anger. We’re taught to not pursue our desires and dreams too ambitiously, to refrain from asking for too much, and to doubt our own lovability. These lessons are deeply ingrained in us from early childhood and often persist throughout our lives. Consequently, as we mature, we often find ourselves conforming to the values and teachings instilled in us, unquestioningly accepting them as irrefutable truths.
Unlearn
When we identify the limiting beliefs and rules that hinder our daily lives, it’s crucial to unlearn and release them. We need to reassure our inner child that it’s acceptable to defy and not adhere to the constraints ingrained in early childhood. By granting permission to rebel against these unhelpful norms, we assure our inner selves that breaking free from them won’t result in negative consequences.
Growing up in a joyless environment, every moment of happiness seemed overshadowed by an impending sense of dread. Joy became synonymous with impending doom. As a guardian to my inner child, I aim to nurture its ability to savor carefree delight. Generations of hardship and adversity in my family have taught me to view pleasure and contentment as unrewarding. Consequently, my inner child remains unfamiliar with the joy of exploration, playfulness, and the sheer pleasure of learning for its own sake. It’s crucial for my inner child to learn to unwind and embrace the simple joy of play and amusement.
Relearn
Now is the time to educate our inner child with beliefs and rules that will benefit it and lead it to the life it desires. We must communicate clearly with our inner child, asking it what it wants, what dreams it wants to achieve, and how it feels. We should ask as many questions as possible to understand the direction it wants to take. Once we gather all the information, we should gradually introduce new rules and beliefs. Sometimes our inner child will show disobedience and will want to revert to old patterns and rules, but we have the power to gently discipline it and guide it back onto the path that will lead it to the desired life. In his book “Homecoming,” Johan Bradshaw dedicates an entire chapter to this topic. He discusses how, as caring parents to our inner child, we must become good disciplinarians who set new rules that will help it grow and develop.
Breaking away from the behavioral norms inherited from our dysfunctional families is challenging. Our inner child may resist, feeling apprehensive, but it’s our responsibility to demonstrate that the new rules are designed to foster growth and facilitate the journey toward self-discovery. Embracing change can be intimidating, leading us into unfamiliar territory.
Empower your inner child to embrace its true essence. Grant it the liberty to shed the masks it wore within the dysfunctional family dynamics, allowing its genuine self to shine through. While those roles might have served as survival mechanisms in the past, they no longer align with its growth and fulfillment. Â Approach disciplining your inner child with a gentle touch, recognizing its natural inclination to seek instant gratification. Guide it towards the path of delayed rewards, while attentively listening to its needs and conversing with it tenderly and empathetically. We wield the transformative power to bestow upon our inner child a renewed childhood, and in doing so, we give it an entirely new reality.
