After attending a CODA meeting where I managed to force myself to speak in front of the group, I accidentally came across a test for attachment styles. It felt as though my presentation to the group pushed me to look even deeper into myself and peel away another layer of my false beliefs about myself. Until that moment, I had never paid attention to that term, nor had I tried to inform and educate myself on the topic.
There are few free online test that you can take and that will determinate your attachment style, some links you can find below:
- Psychology Today Attachment Style Test
- Your Personality Attachment Style Quiz
- AttachmentProject Attachment Style Test
- Greater Good Attachment Style Quiz
- Dr. Diane Poole Heller’s Attachment Style Quiz
I took the test and after a few moments, I received the results indicating that my attachment style is avoidant. The explanation of what this style means was brief. I didn’t like what I was reading, so I went to another site, found another test, and answered the questions again, and this time I got the same result. Since the result surprised me, it led me to start researching attachment styles. The more I read, the more I realized how little I knew about myself, how much I lacked the words, language, and information about myself as a person.
During my research, I came across several YouTube channels that somewhat clearly explain attachment styles, but they didn’t completely resonate with me and didn’t provide the clarity I needed. While browsing the internet, I found a great book called “Attached” by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., which excellently, clearly, simply, and with many examples from everyday situations explains all three attachment styles. There is also an audiobook on YouTube for those who prefer to listen.
Attachment style is formed in childhood based on the relationships we had with our parents, and this attachment style follows us throughout our adult lives and we bring it into the relationships we form. Attachment style dictates our behavior in relationships with our partners, and since we are mostly unaware of our attachment style and the behavior patterns it brings, we often find ourselves in the same relationships and situations. These are patterns of how we bond with others, especially in intimate relationships.
Understanding your attachment style is a key step toward building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Attachment styles, formed during childhood, influence how we connect with others in our adult lives. By identifying whether your style is secure, avoidant, or anxious, you can gain valuable insights into your relationship patterns and take steps to improve them.
This breakdown offers a comprehensive understanding of the three main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment:
- Characteristics:
- Comfort with intimacy and independence.
- Ability to communicate needs and emotions effectively.
- Generally, positive views of self and others.
- Signs You Might Have a Secure Attachment Style:
- You enjoy close relationships and can maintain them without feeling overwhelmed.
- You feel comfortable being alone but also enjoy being in a relationship.
- You can resolve conflicts in a healthy way and do not shy away from addressing issues.
- Improving Secure Attachment:
- Continue to nurture your ability to communicate openly and honestly.
- Maintain a balance between independence and closeness in relationships.
- Practice empathy and active listening to strengthen your bonds.
Avoidant Attachment:
- Characteristics:
- Difficulty with intimacy and closeness.
- Tendency to be emotionally distant or detached.
- Often values independence to the point of avoiding relationships.
- Signs You Might Have an Avoidant Attachment Style:
- You feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or dependency.
- You often keep people at a distance to avoid vulnerability.
- You may struggle to express your emotions and needs in relationships.
- Improving Avoidant Attachment:
- Work on opening up gradually to trusted friends or partners.
- Challenge the belief that needing others is a weakness.
- Practice mindfulness and emotional regulation to manage discomfort with intimacy.
Anxious Attachment:
- Characteristics:
- High levels of anxiety about relationships.
- Fear of abandonment and rejection.
- Tendency to be clingy or overly dependent on partners.
- Signs You Might Have an Anxious Attachment Style:
- You experience frequent worry or anxiety about your relationships.
- You seek constant reassurance from your partner to alleviate fears of abandonment.
- You may become overly preoccupied with your partner’s actions and behaviors.
- Improving Anxious Attachment:
- Develop self-soothing techniques to manage anxiety in relationships.
- Challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs about abandonment and rejection.
- Work on building self-esteem and self-confidence independent of your relationships.
Statistics say that the majority of people in the world have a secure attachment style, which means that most people are capable of closeness and intimacy and are able to clearly communicate their needs and emotions in a relationship. If you have an avoidant or insecure attachment style, it is not the end of the world because with awareness, information, and work on your attachment style, you can change or modify it. Understanding your attachment style is a powerful step towards self-awareness and healthier relationships. Whether you’re secure, avoidant, or anxious, remember that change is possible. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, and you’ll find the tools you need to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
